Thursday, December 16, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
The Old Italian and his tomato garden
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 am. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
Love you,
Vinnie
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 am. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
Love you,
Vinnie
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Life in Graphs
Take a look at these great funny graphs from graphjam.com - these graphs explain so much about life!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
50 Funniest Jokes of All Time!
Researchers in the UK examined more than 1000 jokes and placed them before 36,000 voters to determine the "official" 50 funniest jokes of all time.
A spokesman for www.OnePoll.com, the organisation behind the research, told the the media not all the jokes were to everyone's taste.
"The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not," the spokesman said.
"Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more."
"Being able to tell a joke is a fine art and telling a classic joke correctly in a pub full of people can be tricky."
Tell us what you think. Are these jokes any good and can you do any better? Leave your comments below
The Top 50
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
49. A seal walks into a club...
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '
39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
37.' I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '
31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '
28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
25. 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'
24. 'A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" '
23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'
18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. 'There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" '
14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
A spokesman for www.OnePoll.com, the organisation behind the research, told the the media not all the jokes were to everyone's taste.
"The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not," the spokesman said.
"Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more."
"Being able to tell a joke is a fine art and telling a classic joke correctly in a pub full of people can be tricky."
Tell us what you think. Are these jokes any good and can you do any better? Leave your comments below
The Top 50
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
49. A seal walks into a club...
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '
39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
37.' I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '
31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '
28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
25. 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'
24. 'A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" '
23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'
18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. 'There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" '
14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
International Terror Warnings Upgraded
As a result of the recent worrying demonstration of terrorist intentions, many nations around the world have raised their Threat Level assessments:
The British have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. China has been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly And Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform And Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new navy ready to deploy. These beautifully designed state-of-the-art warships have glass bottoms, so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “Baaa” to BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shut, I Hope Austrulia Wull Come End Riscue Us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No Worries” to “She’ll Be Right, Mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I Think We’ll Need To Cancel The Barbie This Weekend” and “The Barbie Is Cancelled”. There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
The British have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. China has been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly And Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform And Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new navy ready to deploy. These beautifully designed state-of-the-art warships have glass bottoms, so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “Baaa” to BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shut, I Hope Austrulia Wull Come End Riscue Us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No Worries” to “She’ll Be Right, Mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I Think We’ll Need To Cancel The Barbie This Weekend” and “The Barbie Is Cancelled”. There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
Monday, September 20, 2010
The Power of Prayer
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, a shabbily dressed man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Sir, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
The man replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in the man’s ear, placed his other hand on top of the man's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for the man, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Sir, how is your hearing now?"
The man answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
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