Tuesday, September 28, 2010

International Terror Warnings Upgraded

As a result of the recent worrying demonstration of terrorist intentions, many nations around the world have raised their Threat Level assessments:

The British have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. China has been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly And Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform And Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new navy ready to deploy. These beautifully designed state-of-the-art warships have glass bottoms, so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “Baaa” to BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shut, I Hope Austrulia Wull Come End Riscue Us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No Worries” to “She’ll Be Right, Mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I Think We’ll Need To Cancel The Barbie This Weekend” and “The Barbie Is Cancelled”. There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Power of Prayer

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, a shabbily dressed man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Sir, what do you want me to pray about for you?" 

 The man replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in the man’s ear, placed his other hand on top of the man's head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed. 

He prayed a "blue streak" for the man, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Sir, how is your hearing now?"

The man answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til next week."