Jesus is Watching!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.


When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.


Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

The bird smiled and answered;

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

When Hell Freezes Over

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Life before and after marriage

Very clever joke about life before and after marriage. John and Jane have a conversation.

Now that's a Christmas Tree

I really love this beer bottle Christmas tree. Gives me an idea for next year!

So that's why he looks so familiar

I knew I had seen Austalian Prime Minster, Kevin Rudd somewhere before.

Obviously Mr Rudd was the Milky Bar Kid before he got in to politics.

Facebook SNAFUs - In Cyberspace Everyone Can Hear You Scream

Here are some "allegedly" real facebook posts. I bet these people wished they had thought twice and typed once. My favourite is the Salmonella one.

 

 

 

 

I think there is a lesson here for all of us.

Every Cat Owner will Agree

I'm sure every cat owner will agree that this funny cat cartoon from Simon is right on the money.

2009s First Christmas Joke

Three drunks died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins

Toys for the 21st Century

Is it just me, or does the world seem to have got a crazier place since we were kids? You know, I dont want ot be one of those old farts who longs for the good old days, but take a look at these gifts, in store just in time for Christmas!

 Does this Poll Dancer Doll  come with little dollar bills to slip in her little g-string? Goes well with Pimp Ken, I guess.

Take a great, fun, free game, and sell you something to make it "better". Why didn't I think of the Pro-Thumb Wrestling Ring?

An Airport Security Check Toy Set. Accessories for your security guards including rubber gloves, and a black helicopter for "extra-judicial renditions" sold seperately.

actually, I quite like this "Toy Fish Filleting Set". Never too early to teach the littlies how to do it, so you don't have to do it yourself.

Why Men are Happier Than Women

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them... New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend...




Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.



No wonder men are happier.

Easy Guide to Choosing Which Religion

Can't decide whether you should be a Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Athiest? Check out this flow chart with all the answers!

Weather Angels from New Zealand

These weather angels from New Zealand are so bad they are funny. Warning, does contain "adult themes" (but no nudity). Don't miss the nipple-o-meter.

If Women Ruled the World

Some pictures from a parellel universe where women ruled the world!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Funny Dog Video

Take a look at this very funny dog video.

Funniest Cat Video Ever

Or at least that's what the producers claim. Still, definitely worth looking at this funny video of very funny cats and kittens.

Funny Dog Photo

Funny Cat Photos 1

FunMaster Brings you the funniest stuff on the internet

The FunMaster brings you the funniest stuff on the internet. Funny videos, cat videos, funny dog videos, funny pics, jokes and much more.