A few quick jokes

Hope you enjoy these "dad jokes"

1.       My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
          Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

2.       The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.    
          Talk about Dyson with death.

3.       Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
          "Really, why?" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

4.       My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

5.       The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.  
          So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

6.       A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
          When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

7.       I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  

         As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,   3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

         I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

8.      My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.

         "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

9.      I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I  could help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.

10.    I start a new job in Seoul next week.

         I thought it was a good Korea move.

11.   I was driving this morning when I saw an roadsite asistance van parked on the side of the road.  The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  

        I thought to myself, "That guy's got to be heading for a breakdown."

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car
for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.