Dad's rock!
Showing posts with label man joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label man joke. Show all posts
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Monday, November 7, 2011
My Active Life
When my doctor asked me if I led an active life, I told him about my day:
''Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake, barely escaped from a wild pig in the heavy brush, marched along a treacherous trail up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive brown snake.''
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, ''You must be an awesome outdoorsman!''
''No,'' I replied, ''I'm just a shit golfer.'
''Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake, barely escaped from a wild pig in the heavy brush, marched along a treacherous trail up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive brown snake.''
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, ''You must be an awesome outdoorsman!''
''No,'' I replied, ''I'm just a shit golfer.'
Saturday, October 8, 2011
A few quick jokes
Hope you enjoy these "dad jokes"
1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Really, why?" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
4. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
5. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
6. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
7. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"
8. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.
"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
9. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.
10. I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
11. I was driving this morning when I saw an roadsite asistance van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's got to be heading for a breakdown."
1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Really, why?" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
4. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
5. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
6. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
7. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"
8. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.
"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
9. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.
10. I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
11. I was driving this morning when I saw an roadsite asistance van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's got to be heading for a breakdown."
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Secret to a long happy marriage
Want to know the secret to a long happy marriage? I think this says it all!
Friday, September 9, 2011
iPhone Text Message Auto Correct Humour
Every had your iphone autocorrect feature give a funny or unexpected result? I bet none of them were as funny as these auto-correct funnies from damnyouautocorrect.com!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Why Women Live Longer Than Men
Why Women Live Longer Than Men (from Wikipedia): Women tend to have a lower mortality rate than men at every age. In the womb, male fetuses have a higher mortality rate (babies are conceived in a ratio of about 124 males to 100 females, but the ratio of those surviving to birth is only 105 males to 100 females). Among the smallest premature babies (those under 2 pounds or 900 g) females again have a higher survival rate. At the other extreme, about 90% of individuals aged 110 are female.
The reasons for this are not entirely certain. Traditional arguments tend to favor socio-environmental factors: historically, men have generally consumed more tobacco, alcohol and drugs than females in most societies, and are more likely to die from many associated diseases such as lung cancer, tuberculosis and cirrhosis of the liver.Men are also more likely to die from injuries, whether unintentional (such as car accidents) or intentional (suicide, violence, war). Men are also more likely to die from most of the leading causes of death (some already stated above) than women. Some of these in the United States include: cancer of the respiratory system, motor vehicle accidents, suicide, cirrhosis of the liver, emphysema, and coronary heart disease.These far outweigh the female mortality rate from breast cancer and cervical cancer etc.
Some argue that shorter male life expectancy is merely another manifestation of the general rule, seen in all mammal species, that larger individuals tend on average to have shorter lives.This biological difference occurs because women have more resistance to infections and degenerative diseases.
Why Women Live Longer Than Men (from the internet):
The reasons for this are not entirely certain. Traditional arguments tend to favor socio-environmental factors: historically, men have generally consumed more tobacco, alcohol and drugs than females in most societies, and are more likely to die from many associated diseases such as lung cancer, tuberculosis and cirrhosis of the liver.Men are also more likely to die from injuries, whether unintentional (such as car accidents) or intentional (suicide, violence, war). Men are also more likely to die from most of the leading causes of death (some already stated above) than women. Some of these in the United States include: cancer of the respiratory system, motor vehicle accidents, suicide, cirrhosis of the liver, emphysema, and coronary heart disease.These far outweigh the female mortality rate from breast cancer and cervical cancer etc.
Some argue that shorter male life expectancy is merely another manifestation of the general rule, seen in all mammal species, that larger individuals tend on average to have shorter lives.This biological difference occurs because women have more resistance to infections and degenerative diseases.
Why Women Live Longer Than Men (from the internet):
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
No Worries Mate, Part 2
Here are some more photos from the "no worries mate, she'll be right" files.
Always put safety first, but don't have safety goggles handy? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Want a bowl of noodles, but all the bowls are dirty? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Beer cans cluttering the kitchen? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Computer over heating? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Ladder not long enough? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Someone pinched your bike tyre? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Having a few mates over, but haven't got a barbie? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Left your razor handle at your girlfriend's place? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Car hasn't got airbags? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Always put safety first, but don't have safety goggles handy? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Serious about carefully stacking the beer fridge? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Want a bowl of noodles, but all the bowls are dirty? No worries mate, I can fix that!
No cup holder in the car? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Friends tease you because your car doesn't have electic windows? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Beer cans cluttering the kitchen? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Ladder not long enough? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Having a few mates over, but haven't got a barbie? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Necessity is the mother of stupidity? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Some wise man once said "necessity is is the mother of invention" but when you see these, I am not so sure. Good to see the old "no worries mate" attitude still alive and well although something also makes me think these are all solutions thought of by men?
Got no spoon - No worries mate, I can fix that!
Seat belt broken? No worries mate, I can fix that!
TV Cabinet too small for the new TV? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Foreign appliance doesn't fit your plug? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Car stereo stopped working? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Book shelf falling down? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Can't afford a European car with built in GPS? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Friends over and not enough fridge space? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Bought a cheap foreign car on eBay, but forgot about the right hand drive? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Rain effecting the sattelite reception? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Stove broken but you want a coffee? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Wiper motor blown? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Exhaust pipe dragging? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Need to feed the baby and fold the washing at the same time? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Out of nappies? No worries mate, I can fix that!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
