Something you just can't do at a brothel!

Following his official state visit to the White House, Nicolas Sarkozy, the President of France, finds the red light district in Washington DC and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

      They  sit  and  talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and
      she  sits  on  his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs
      away!  Seeing  this,  the madam sends over a more experienced lady to
      entertain the gentleman.

      They  sit  and  talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and
      she  sits  on  his  lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams,
      "No!" and walks quickly away.

      The  madam  is surprised that this handsome looking man has asked for
      something  so  outrageous  that her two girls will have nothing to do
      with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will
      do.  Lola  has  never  said  no,  and  it's not likely anything would
      surprise her.

      So  the  madam  sends her over to Sarkozy. The sit and talk, frolic a
      little,  giggle  a  bit,  drink  a  bit,  and she sits on his lap. He
      whispers  in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him
      as hard as she can and leaves.

      Madam  is  by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this
      in  all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom
      work  herself  for  a  long  time, but she's sure she has said yes to
      everything a man could possibly ask for.

      She  just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls
      so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

      So she goes over to Sarkozy and says that she's the best in the house
      and  is  available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle,
      drink and then she sits in his lap.

      Sarkozy leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

My Active Life

When my doctor asked me if I led an active life, I told him about my day:

''Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake, barely escaped from a wild pig in the heavy brush, marched along a treacherous trail up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive brown snake.''

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, ''You must be an awesome outdoorsman!''

''No,'' I replied, ''I'm just a shit golfer.'

Two nuns are driving in Europe

Sister Catherine and Sister Bernadette are two Irish nuns on a wirlwind  pilgrimage across Europe. While in Transalvania the two holy ladies dine at a local tavern and then continue to drive. A few minutes later, the come to a stop at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Bernadette.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Bernadette.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Bernadette.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts,

"Get the f--- off the windshield!"

A few quick jokes

Hope you enjoy these "dad jokes"

1.       My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
          Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

2.       The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.    
          Talk about Dyson with death.

3.       Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
          "Really, why?" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

4.       My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

5.       The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.  
          So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

6.       A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
          When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

7.       I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  

         As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,   3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

         I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

8.      My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.

         "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

9.      I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I  could help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.

10.    I start a new job in Seoul next week.

         I thought it was a good Korea move.

11.   I was driving this morning when I saw an roadsite asistance van parked on the side of the road.  The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  

        I thought to myself, "That guy's got to be heading for a breakdown."

What a school cock-up

There is something about New Zealanders. A nation of just 4 Million produced the likes of Edmund Hillary, Peter Jackson, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, Neil Finn, and the guys who did this on their last day at school!




Fairfield College, Hamilton NZ has an embarassing problem

 
The student prank from 2009 continues to haunt Fairfield College, in the North Island city of Hamilton, as the crude drawings burnt in to the grass with weed-killer have now been photographed by satellite cameras and are available for all to see on google earth.

He toa taumata rau .

A real children's book for the 21st Century

Following on from campaigns promoting "truth in advertising" and "truth in labelling", we see the trend extending in to other areas, including "truth in children's story books". One of the best examples is:

(click on image to enlarge)

 Go the F**k to Sleep is a real book by Adam Mansbach and illustrated by Ricardo Cortes. You can buy the "Go the F**k to Sleep" children's book at Amazon.com.

READER ADVISORY! The book contains rude words. It is NOT a children's book!

Here is the complete book (click on an image to enlarge, then use your "back arrow" to get back to this page)

Adam Mansbach’s novels include The End of the Jews, winner of the California Book
Award, and the bestselling Angry Black White Boy, a San Francisco Chronicle Best Book
of 2005. His fiction and essays have appeared in The New York Times Book Review, The
Believer, Granta, The Los Angeles Times, and many other publications. He is the 2010-11
New Voices Professor of Fiction at Rutgers University.

Ricardo Cortés has illustrated books about marijuana, electricity, the Jamaican bobsled
team, and Chinese food. His work has been featured in The New York Times, Vanity Fair,
Entertainment Weekly, New York Magazine, The Village Voice, and on CNN and FOX News.
He lives in Brooklyn, NY, where he is working on a book about the history of Coca-Cola and
cocaine. You can see his work at: Rmcortes.com

The President's Speech Movie

If you liked the King's Speech, You'll love this one:



Brilliant work by "Sir Michael Tyson"!

The Joys of Old Age

Life in Graphs

Take a look at these great funny graphs from graphjam.com - these graphs explain so much about life!

50 Funniest Jokes of All Time!

Researchers in the UK examined more than 1000 jokes and placed them before 36,000 voters to determine the "official" 50 funniest jokes of all time.

A spokesman for www.OnePoll.com, the organisation behind the research, told the the media not all the jokes were to everyone's taste.

"The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not," the spokesman said.

"Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more."

"Being able to tell a joke is a fine art and telling a classic joke correctly in a pub full of people can be tricky."

Tell us what you think. Are these jokes any good and can you do any better? Leave your comments below

The Top 50
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
49. A seal walks into a club...
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '
39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
37.' I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '
31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '
28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
25. 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'
24. 'A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" '
23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'

18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. 'There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" '
14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

International Terror Warnings Upgraded

As a result of the recent worrying demonstration of terrorist intentions, many nations around the world have raised their Threat Level assessments:

The British have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. China has been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly And Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform And Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new navy ready to deploy. These beautifully designed state-of-the-art warships have glass bottoms, so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “Baaa” to BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shut, I Hope Austrulia Wull Come End Riscue Us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No Worries” to “She’ll Be Right, Mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I Think We’ll Need To Cancel The Barbie This Weekend” and “The Barbie Is Cancelled”. There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

The Power of Prayer

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, a shabbily dressed man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Sir, what do you want me to pray about for you?" 

 The man replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in the man’s ear, placed his other hand on top of the man's head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed. 

He prayed a "blue streak" for the man, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Sir, how is your hearing now?"

The man answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til next week."

BMW Used Car Ad - Sex Sells

Ok, we know that car manufacturers are not shy using sex to sell cars. But this one is really very clever! It's from BMW Germany's European campaign for their factory approved "used" cars:

(for those of us with poor eye sight, click on image if you want to see it larger).

Larry's Proverbs

1.A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Gasthof zum Lowen

A group of 40 year old mates meet and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen
restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice frontage views.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

New Element Discovered - Gv

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet
known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.



These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since
Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny
amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less
than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years. It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

When Hell Freezes Over

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Life before and after marriage

Very clever joke about life before and after marriage. John and Jane have a conversation.

Facebook SNAFUs - In Cyberspace Everyone Can Hear You Scream

Here are some "allegedly" real facebook posts. I bet these people wished they had thought twice and typed once. My favourite is the Salmonella one.

 

 

 

 

I think there is a lesson here for all of us.